Close Your Eyes
by Alice84
Summary: He stopped in his tracks, right on top of the stairs. There was Linden, stopping her car and looking out, seeing him just as he saw her. When he thought that woman would never surprise him… When he thought he knew her enough as to be sure she was not coming back… There she was.


" _Anyway, I just..._ ", she pauses, not knowing what to say now, but knowing she had something to say. Something she wanted to say… " _It's good to see you, Holder_ ", she says, and it is the complete truth. He looks so good and fresh and there is actual _serenity_ in his smile. It's really so good to see him… But she doesn't know what to say anymore and is ready to walk away, wishing, hopping he will say something, just so they can talk a little bit more.

" _So, why are you here?_ ", he asks, ignoring the hint that she was leaving already. " _For real? Hm?_ "

She inhales and exhales sharply. She knew she had wanted to talk more, but now it just so hard to actually say the words… Words she had thought so many times before, now threatened to fail her. She quickly pulls it together and looks up at his eyes. He was standing closer to her than he used to in the past, and his eyes, she can get lost on them, they are staring deeply at her, so intent…

" _I never had a house to grow up in. You know… Home_ ", she starts and looking up at him, she notices speaking out is easier than she had thought. This is Holder, after all. " _I never belonged anywhere. And all my life I was looking for that thing, you know? Thinking that it was out there, somewhere. That all I had to do was find it. But I think, maybe_ ", she feels her voice tremble a little now and a tight knot on her throat, but she keeps talking, " _that home was us_ ". She sees him smile as if it was automatic. He liked hearing those words and her heart raced. His eyes, if possible, shine even more intently into hers. She moves on, " _It was you and me together in that stupid car riding around, smoking cigarettes. I think that was everything_ ". She stops now and her tears, stubborn tears, fall down her cheek. She smiled, despite of them, her heart racing and throat tight. She keeps talking, ignoring it, surprised by the fact that crying in front of this man doesn't scare her. " _I'm sorry. I should have known that you were the one person who always stays. And you were my best friend_ ".

His smile widens at that and her heart almost bursts. " _Why don't you stay?_ ", he asks her quietly. She thinks he's given a step forward while she was talking, he is standing even closer now. And then is not just a question anymore. It's a plead, an invitation… Maybe a proposition as he says " _Stay_ ".

" _Hum… I think this city is a city of the dead for me_ ", she says looking away from him. He can see in her eyes, which had been shining so much just a moment before and are now distant, that she is remembering of everything she had been though in there, so many tragedies, so much pain…

" _It's a matter of perception, ain't it?_ ", he asks but she doesn't answer, eyes still haunted, and Holder knows, he just knows with a painful pang in his chest, that she is a moment away from walking away. Again. He has to do something, but how do you contain a woman like Sarah Linden? How do you keep her from walking away? He exhales and looks from side to side, thinking.

" _Close your eyes_ ", he finally says and at that she looks at him again, smiling but frowning.

" _What?_ "

" _Just close your eyes_ ", he insists.

" _No!_ ", she almost laughs. " _You're so weird_ ".

" _Just close your eyes_ ", he repeats, searching her eyes. " _Just give it a try. Maybe you'll see what's really there… Standing right in front of you_ ", he thought he couldn't stress those words more. Was he being clear enough? " _It ain't ghosts, Linden. It ain't the dead_ "

" _I'm gonna get a ticket_ ", she says quickly, without even thinking. She is walking away. " _I should go_ ", she tries to walk past him but he blocks her way.

" _Linden_ …"

She stopped and looked up at him again, waiting for him to say something. She was scared of listening to him, of _staying_ , but she was even more scared to leave. She figures she actually wants him to hold her, to stop her from leaving. They only look at each other eyes for a moment, and when he says " _Bye_ ", she doubts she was able to hide her disappointment. Was he not going to ask her again to stay? Maybe she'd say yes if he just asked again…

" _Bye_ ", she whispers and then she is being hugged, so tightly, and he holds on to him, her eyes closing and a stay tear escaping. She can feel his face close to her neck and his breath. She knows he can feel her heart pounding.

And then he lets go and she is walking away to her car, not looking back, because she knows if she looks back she will break, and all she needs now is to leave, to run, to be somewhere else. She knows that if she looks to the mirror she might see him, and she doesn't want to. She just drives then, not knowing where to go, but knowing the obvious choice would be to take the road and leave Seattle, maybe for good now.

She can't, though. She drives across town, by places she knows and places that look different after years, and takes a road to go to the water, but she can't leave the city. She's unable to. Hours past when she only drove, and now she stares at the water and thinks. She thinks too much, she knows that, but what is speaking now – not speaking, _screaming_ – is her heart. Holder was the one person who always stays. She wasn't. He had always been by her side, since day one, since their first case. He had been the only one who believed her and remained by her side even at her worst moments. She had thought about him so much during all those years, and she had always known that. She missed him, she missed him so much, their long days together, their friendly bantering, the way he spoke, his vocabulary, his eyes, and the way he had never, _ever_ left.

Her eyes were huge now, staring without seeing the lake. _What the hell am I doing?_

Holder had walked to the middle of the street to see her car disappear. She watched until she turned to a corner far away. She disappeared. Again… Hands in his pockets and head down, he walked back to the NA meeting. Seeing her had been such an enormous surprise and yet had happened so fast, and she was gone again. He had to smile and joke and conduct the meeting as if nothing had happened, but his chest was in pain. It was like a knot in his heart, one that he thought had been healed years ago. She had left after the whole Skinner story was over, just as he had found out his baby was a girl, and he hadn't even had the mind or the time to tell her that. So much he hadn't told her… He called her many times in the weeks – months – after that, until he gave up. Maybe she had changed her phone number. And then she was back and that painful longing returned with full force.

He tried to make her stay, but who was he kidding? He was not worthy enough to make a woman like her _stay_. The shrink guy hadn't been able to make her stay with him. The boy from the ferry couldn't as well. Skinner would probably not have been able as well, if she hadn't fucking shot him. He shook his head. _Don't go back there, Stephen_. He tosses those thoughts away but couldn't keep the image of her face, tears falling as she all but opened her heart to him, those bright eyes shining with tears, more open then he had ever seen her. If he closed his eyes he would see them and even feel again the smell of her shampoo that he felt when he hugged her. Letting go of her had been almost physically painful.

When the meeting was over and everybody left, he fixed up the place; folding chairs and throwing away used cups. He had in no hurry to go back home, to be alone and doing nothing. He wanted to do something so he'd not think of her – oh, who was he kidding? So he would think of her just a little less. But the room was now clean and he had nothing else to do there, so he left, stepped out, closed and locked the door.

He stopped in his tracks, right on top of the stairs. There was Linden, stopping her car and looking out, seeing him just as he saw her. When he thought that woman would never surprise him… When he thought he knew her enough as to be sure she was not coming back… There she was. She got out of the car staring at him, her face transparent and open and in something that he could only describe as _awe_. He climbed down the stairs, his smile widening at each step, and walked towards her. She just stood there, smiling at him and he reached her, stopping once again as close as he had been before. He didn't know what to say, but little did he know that his eyes were saying it all.

Linden opened her mouth to say something and closed again a couple of times, but never stopped smiling. All she knew was that she had come back to him, and he was smiling at her with that look in his eyes and her heart was melting.

So she just did what he had asked for.

She closed her eyes.

He held his breath, heart pounding, that painful tightness being released at the sight of her eyelids closing and he knew what it meant. He was staying. He wanted to grab her and kiss her hard and show her all that he was feeling, but he also knew this moment was unique, it was supposed to be special and memorable. He had tried to kiss her in the past, but it had been in a moment of weakness, of pain, of need for reassurance and a friend. It was different now.

Eyes closed, Linden sensed and Holder took the last step that separated them. She also held her breath. The touch of his hand in hers was so light but it ticked her skin and warmed her. She didn't move, she wanted him to take care of this; she just kept her eyes closed and waited. His both hands travelled up from her hands to her arms and she felt him even from under her coat. Slowly, he raised his hands to hold onto her shoulders just for a moment before following their way to her neck – and there he slowed down even more, she felt his fingertips touch her skin above her scarf and goosebumps broke into her all over. She took a sharp breath in, but his movements were still as light and slow. He raised them even more and finally stopped when he cupped her face with his both hands, slightly tipping her head up towards him.

Unaware, she moistened her lips. They had gone dry in anticipation, and Holder watched intently as she saw the pink tip of her tongue dart about and slide over her lower lip. It was for just a moment, but it was enough to take him need to control himself not to crush his lips over hers. He brushed them on her forehead, instead, very lightly before planting there a kiss. Thumbs caressing her jaw, he slid his lips over her skin to kiss the tip of her nose and then to her left eye and kissed her there too. She breathed again and he felt it tingle his jaw. His right hand sliding to the back of her neck gave room for his lips to kiss her cheek. The first kiss there was light, but the second was longer and harder, the third was almost needy. Holder felt, now knowing how, that she had parted her lips feeling him kiss her face, but she still didn't move, she still let him explore and do _this_.

Finally he slid over to her lips, a contrast of hers, plump and naturally pink, with his own, thin and pale. He planted a kiss there, on her lower lip, and it was just then that she moved, kissing him back, feeling how surprisingly soft his lips felt on hers.

Linden's heart jumped on her chest when the felt the tip of his tongue lightly touch her lip and trace over it from corner to corner. She felt like passing out. Her hands moved up to hold on to his forearms, just so she couldn't fall down to the floor. She was sure she whimpered; he heard her whimper and suddenly his restrained died. With his tongue, he sought entrance to her mouth, her lips already slightly parted opened up more, accepting him, giving in, kissing back. A dance of lips and tongues and teeth started and her little hands grabbed him strongly. Right hand still holding the back of her neck, the left one let go of her jaw and held her lower back, pulling her even more onto him, taking a step forward and backing her to the car. He pressed into her, his kiss deep and intense now. Linden slid her arms up on his chest, over his sweater, and circled his shoulders, so wide and strong and safe… And it was home. Home was _him._

" _Tell me you stayin_ '", Holder whispered against her lips, his voice hoarse and breathy. " _Stay_ ".

" _I'll stay_ ", she answered without the need to think.

And without any warning, tears welled up out of her eyes and she sobbed against his lips. He hugged her tight, pressing her head against his chest and let her cry. She grabbed the back of his sweater as a lifeline and cried out all that was kept inside her chest for so long.

" _You okay, Lin… I've got you_ ", he said when her sobs subsided a little.

" _Take me home, Holder_ ", she asked, her voice low in his chest

" _You are home_ ", he said and made her look up at him. With both his thumbs he tried to dry her tears. " _Home is us_ ".


End file.
